I feel like it has been a long time since a real update...regardless of a calander marking, some things of significance have occurred. the house has more or less calmed a bit, maybe acceptance is creeping in? or at least acquiescence of attempts on control. Its a gradual evolution of will put to action; my own versus knowing that the tension is not worth the outcome. Something that I've learned to do is embrace certain coping mechanisms...beign smart enough to decide what ideals I might be able to get away with sharing, and which of those woudl be a futile attempt in explanation. That leaves me also with the numbing factor of having to fend off ignorance. So much is beyond my capacity; I won't exhaust myself trying to remedy that from which I will be free from soon enough.

I cannot wait to get away from this place, and prove to no one but myself that I can live exactly how i wish to, whether they approve of it or agree with me or neither. That is my only choice, and I know I will feel the most satisfied with everything in my life when I get the chance to just Be.

Reality came down hard on my ears yesterday, and although I always knew there was this very likely chance, no one ever can say when exactly it will happen. This whole entire time I have felt lucky and grateful, but that doesn't mean I didn't expect it to change. Hah, learning to assume things will change as soon as you have a fairly good plan is something that I've also gotten used to. The military just does that, and I love Eric and chose to be with him no matter what happens; he is worth going through everything that I have had to deal with, and even when I've started to doubt myself he has reminded me that we will both be fine...I believe him.

well things have calmed down; i've just stopped trying to think it's possible for certain things to change. some things people have left me more or less alone about finally. it's whatever...still feel smothered and futilely attempting to remedy the atmosphere. only 4 more months to go, and i fianlly got eric back for a little, today got the first email in over a month. thank you sanity! speaking of, lol, here is my first peice completed for this year; let's hope 2010 is more productive than last year!!!

"Disparity"

i am my own rock star
I am my own chameleon
i am my own tragic actress
I am my own destination

I am not your blind receptacle
i am not your stereotype incarnate
i am not your amnesiac acquaintance
i am not your vessel of catharsis

i shall to my precocious Id succumb
I shall of your doubts take advantage
you shall do my bidding as a favor
you shall with your assertions retreat

I do not pity your delusions
I do not applaud your trite creations
i do not trust your claims of allegiance
i do not grant you (my) remorse

you should not fall victim to violation
you should not dare to feign compliance
you should know what means are beneficial
you should not discount ferocity

you accept all your dubious relations
you will never concede autonomy
you attempt to tarnish my confidence
you'll never fill such cavernous vacancy

we have reaped from these boundaries severed
no one can judge this, our regression, detrimental

You tell me how you feel about her, and expect me to explain her words and reactions. I respond that you need to tell her, and to stop expecting her to read your mind, because she has yet to deduce your emotional subtlety.

You say I don't know when to shut up, but you won't speak for yourself. I only spoke for you exactly what you had previously expressed to me; you cannot deny that. Telling me to shut up does not solve your inability to communicate, while claiming her lack of reception as an excuse.

I don't have to be there when you need to talk, I could very well just ignore it and say "why are you telling me this without expecting me to solve it? She's your problem, you choose to grant her the ability; I've already given up on her potential with me, and I'm sorry you can't accept that." But then I would get yelled at for not being compassionate; well that's not an emotion I could pretend to have, if I do not agree with you. There is no reason to fake any emotion so maybe that's why sometimes I don't show one.

Then you turn on me when I speak to her for you because I dared to spell it out. I don't have the patience to wait for you to take your place, so I don't care if it is not mine. Don't come to me when you can't handle her, I can't help that I can. I cannot handle you creating this immature, uncertain atmosphere of placating yourself, and honesty only to the point of comfort.

I think i might have a completely new song, a few lines are going around. i have alot to get out and i am hoping to make something of this art productive. it is the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane. i'm determined to find something that keeps me going and Embrace it, my writing needs alot of nurturing and attention, having been so starved this past year.

i've been more a loose tumbling ball out of a cannon that is still sputtering, and reek of the powder...the wieght of everything kept inside feels so threatening to implode me; the exhaustion of fighting it from doing so is becoming more than i can take...i'm leaking and still shaking. a few people know alot of my stress and some know just a few things. certain ones only know a general summary but NO ONE knows everything, for thier own sake; i am trying to acquire tact.

something that has always been an issue with me is finality. the ending of a difficult circumstance, making certain that it will not return with a vengeance. the ability to say i have the power to prevent it from hurting me again...because it affects me so much more coming back to haunt me, as if I had completely failed. the cessations of more blows to come; i always want to know which will be the Last

to anyone that still reads on occasion, i put up some new recent pictures for userpics. by recent i mean taken within the last year or so as opposed to 5. lol, enjoy and comment

one thing I really want to focus on is writing more music-2009 was very dry and more stress or bored than inspired. the goals i have are to really embrace my own ideals, i always AM myself but don't really feel proud and assured about how good that is for me all the time.

i want to reflect and really hold myslef accountable philosophically for refining what i believe and being liek its ok to change. i know i've spent the past couple years doing that, more so when thigns are unstable its how i try to keep a grip on it and stay sane/i look back and go wtf was i thinking? so yeah thats alot to write about sometimes.

i want to journal more and yoga more, get in touch with alot of that. its when i feel happiest...

I want to work more on music, with Eric and the guitar, letting him show me things and not be all stubborn lol. we have SO much potential, we can create great art together, he makes my heart smile when i think of the future...and i will be beautiful and happy, put more effort into making myself look as good as I can too:-) everything together will help those things

I'm really motivated with slumber parties becuase i have a team starting and it is an awesome feeling to know i can help others start thier own business; kinda pushes me into trying harder to make mine better so that I can make the most of it too!

I only have 6 months left here, I just have to make it through them...and Eric will be what keeps me sane. I loved being able to talk to him on the phone 3 different days this week. Even though the one time was upsetting and I was having a really rough day, the phone is better than nothing. he makes me feel so loved, so cared for, and like everything will be ok. he comforts me in a way no one else could if they tried; I wish I could get his hugs and arms holding me now.

I've got alot to get through in the next few months, and I've already done a lot this year so far; it's been pretty draining. Eric keeps me wanting to hang on, I don't know what I would have done without him some times...and i need reassurance more often from him that i know he'd love to give if he could. It helps people reminded me of him, what he'd say of think. makes me smile and kinda go off in my own little daydream...

my idea for our vows is to go through everything we've written...hopefully I can compile some excerpts from emails to give him some ideas, I still have the book of phone texts and the boot camp letters (his). i'm not sure where the letters that I wrote are...and i really want to write another song. i need to find one for the wedding for my sister to sing, too.

Let me not fall to despair, and please give me another chance, it has been a long while since I've asked for one...i put forth the effort this time, and i refuse to fail. Dignity and respect always win, regardless of conventional acceptance, and I own my perspective on life. what i see at the end of it is not for anyone else to judge; i alone bear the consequences of what i do and how it affects me. others choosing to let themselves be affected is not my problem, and if something indirectly comes from it then i'll deal. I just can't live with someone else's priorities above my own. i find it sad that some do not even see the validity of what mine are, or even that they exist for a reason; thier definition of fulfillment differs so greatly, thus blinding them into denial of my intentions.

I find peace in recognizing the limitations of certain people, ironically those who are supposed to be closer to me, but it does not make it easier to live with them always. I've never felt all that obligated to act toward gaining thier approval by any means, but it gets to me sometimes, constantly putting up with the obvious objections. i won't let that deter me from living how I choose to; they do not seem to understand that in their attempt to do so, I just feel more detached and successful.

one cannot comprehend that i choose to exist on an alternative plane if one does not comprehend that the existence of such planes

He's ending the war. Then both wars. Eric gets out right when the troops (combat) start coming home. A year later they will all be home...I wonder what this means for the reserves. I hope the strategy review works, the next 18 months will show us a lot...i'm feeling informed alot more the way President Obama speaks; he is specific and i agree with his ways achieving goals. can't wait to say waht newsweek says about this next week. he gives off a vibe of accepting others and trying to do more than one thing at once by using a few different ways.

well is wasn't the Death card, but i don't think the nine of swords was much good either. a lot of pentacles in the 'environment' part of the reading, and more swords with a few wands too. overall it wasn't bad necessarily and pretty resonant, especially what i'd already gone through and hat i had around me...it's the future part taht was a bit worrying. changed my attitude i think about sunday night...but i'm a stubborn sort. the 4 cards at the end I just didnt know about...my last reading was almost exactly 3 years ago. before i'd met eric, in the middle of a fairly difficult for me personally, after that summer of crazy uncertainty. i'd wanted one a few times since then but didn't get the chance to...during bootcamp, and also last summer...and earlier in this season as well.

met the other twin from new jersey last night-different personality, slightly different look, same 'machine-gun fire' thought speak as he called it. fun times, way later than i thought it would be though. it's good to know i can escape if i need to and go hang out with jocelyn's family :-) i love that little girl.

thanks goes out to a special friend of mine for totally being there when i needed someone to talk to, i wish i could always do the same; i try to as much as i can. i'm pretty stubborn i guess i forget i really can call people even if they're far away. it dos suck when people all have other plans at once, i know how that feels; i will have to work on more certainty cuz i know i appreciate the same.

E.A.J. needs an update, the next chapter has been ready for a few months now. i really want to get more written before the year is out; it has been very lacking in production so far and not without material to start from. i've gotten through november and I owe her thanks.

recent musical discover = the smashing pumpkins, again, 15 years late but i love thier sound from siasmese dream and adore...i want to get mellon collie and the infinite sadness

I just got "The high end of low" and i really like it. excellent music for revenge, confusion, existentialist rage; somewhat political too. its' that scary part of myself that somewhat identifies with certain lines and songs, kinda like 'golden age of grotesque' sometimes i just really need numb music...

also good album is teh goo goo dolls' "let love in" yeah i know i'm a bit late sometimes but this one song...is like a preview to a reference for a specific person. the lines 'i was your anger/you were my fear' are stuck in my head ( it might belong in the time of silence )

to continue the saga of biography, see Shinedown's "the sounnd of madness" album...a life in more than just one song...

...just discovered

I miss Eric. the email has been on/off the past 2 weeks, so it's been hard...I miss his comforting voice and just holding me after a bad day. I miss doing things on our own and having fun together.

the good news is I 'm not stressed anymore every other week because a bill is due; I finally got a job and my first paycheck will come next friday. I like Panera for the most part, it will be at least somewhere good enough knowing they respect people there. I just put all my effort into it to humor myself, it's not like I've got anything to lose by getting a nice reference from a place recently. the people there are pretty chill and the bosses are ok. the hours are fairly decent and it doesn't always feel like i'm there forever/getting out too late. Just have to get used to the morning thing...gradual is best.

I went out last night with brittany and luisa; it was good to get out of the house but I didn't really sing much. near end of the night when I did "I dare you" and it sucked. still great to dress up even if i didn't do much makeup, maybe try johansonns in a few weeks? I feel kinda bad about spending money even though we got a big bonus and I paid off the airline tickets from august...Eric told me to treat myself and it definately felt good. getting a few thigns from Victoria's tomorrow, and that will be enough for now.

note to self-good thinkign on getting gas before goign home last night, but next time try to arrive home before 3:30 am./the next day's sleep-factor will thank you

Thank you friends for visiting me, each one of my friends means alot to me and I am glad to see them when I can. This whole deployment thing is really starting to sink in now i guess. the lack of voice on the phone, getting a hug when I could use one, and just to chill out and be completely accepted without anythign held back. I really dont get that very often at all...

I have a few new ideas for songs to write and want to create peices with deeper meaning, soemthing in a different style cuz sometimes it just feel formulaic and 'writing itself' is only because i've used the same beat/phrasing before.

looked over alot of music last night to make some new CDs with, modern dance/club music, alt-folk-girls, and old-school chill hip hop. strange but its all like 10+ years ago...

I'd find my best friends working here another night shift summer; Officer Rose and the car guys w/Cavalier filling the lot. Age 19, naive and closer to an emerging nascent...I had not yet the chance to truly make my life my own, survive it alone, and prove prosperous. In the return to this territory, I see the reflection of more than a single evolution--I feel the passage of those 4 years.

No recognition by face, voice, motor or backwards strutting glance. It has finally been long enough, I prefer the anonymous existence versus being known throughout the atmosphere of this suffocation.

I am not without a further appreciation; I must admit, however, that a goal of living idealism seems almost in a way a slow death, because of its obvious struggle against possibility and the efforts spent versus those rewarded.

It is easier, though, to absolve of my personal transgressions here, instead of those occurring within the places at which I entertained such infallible notions.

1. If you're on my friends list, I want to know 35 things about you.Even those who have just become friends .

2. Comment here with your answers and repost the questionnaire on your own journal,

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? yes
02) What was your dream growing up? to have periwinkle hair, be a weather person, write a book
03) What talent do you wish you had? playing music by ear
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? tanqueray & tonic
05) Favorite vegetable? broccoli
06) What was the last book you read? Intensely Alice
07) What zodiac sign are you? capricorn
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. fleur de lis upper back tattoo, navel peircing, ears
09) Worst Habit? running late
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? fo course
11) What is your favorite sport? skiing
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? haha, there is no glass :-p realist
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? depends, how many floors are there? lol
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? sketchy exes
15) Tell me one weird fact about you. I dont know what's considered weird...um. i can sing the entire french national anthem?
16) Do you have any pets? 2 cats, a husky, adn a horse
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? we'd jam out on the piano/guitar maybe
18) What was your first impression of me? quirky, artistic, intriguing
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? no impression
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? shoulders less angular
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? depends on the crime
22) What color eyes do you have? blue
23) Ever been arrested? yes. haha, bet you didnt expect that ;-)
24) Bottle or can soda? bottle
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? pay off credit cards, plan honeymoon!
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at? hm i don't do much of that lately...buffalo wild wings, joes place
27) Do you believe in ghosts? in a form yes
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? read. write. piano.
29) Do you swear a lot? depends on my mood, and sobriety or lack thereof
30) Biggest pet peeve? people who don't live up to thier principles
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself? multi-faceted
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance? yes
33) Favourite and least favourite food? crab dip/buffalo chicken, least=most vegetables, oysters/mussels, raw anything
34) Do you believe in God? in a form, yes.
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? you already did.

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 2.76

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:


0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

not just in distance phsycially...its kidna sad almost, after reflecting that we've gotten to this point, to realize that so much is out there yet to be dealt with. I don't deal so well with facing the unknown about personal matters, for anyone that knows me well this is understood. I guess the hardest thing to deal with would be uncertainty of exactly how well he does; time has not exactly been kind to us in what capacity has been stretched to limits. the past 2 weeks were very stressful on me in a few different ways, but at least we have the future to look forward to.

I wish we could take a break form either trying to prepare for the hectic plans or being influenced by past decisions and emotional situations. I find it wierd being sort of in adn sort of out, with the whole family dynamic. given my natural reactions and observations, i don't think i'll ever become influenced enough to not see from a unique perspective; in my own family i've always seen through most things...It's hard for me to deal with soemoen not seeing how thier own might be, or how much it matters to me about how I"m treated. I"m not used to dysfunction being the norm and escaping into denial.

So like mom said last week 'something's gotta give somewhere sometime' If I can just get somethign moving then everything woudl make me feel better, people woudl stop bothering me, and i'd feel like I could move forward.

I"m spending time with Eric's family a few days this week and a few days next week, seeing friends and getting stuff done. It should all go good but this month will go fast. Business has been so-so and i'm wanting it to pick up, bu tI"m getting annoyed about people booking and then re-scheudling on me, especially more than once. Optimistic about training though, can't wait for Nashville!!!

I also should be getting a new vehicle soon, beucase stupid crap made mine illegal in Maryland...too many rules about switchign states and old...much better gas mileage and lifespan expectancy, Eric and I doing it together so he has somethign to drive to work when he gets home from deployment too.

crossing my fingers on all of this...

I am one of the most stubborn creatures I know, but Love does something to me that I can't explain, and it's a good thing. It calms me somehow; though I still am determined to make the best out whatever is possible, there is a faith I have in Love that it will work out in the end. I've always made things too hard for myself, and being upset about stress is normal but not so helpful to get through it. Now I'm waiting on my body to realize that I"m trying NOT to go crazy and that yes, I know it's exhausting, but I"m excited too!

Making all these decisions and keeping up the stamina and sanity all at once is a bit hectic though. It is not 10 years ago...when i thought about how my 20s would go back then, the world was not such a hostile place. or maybe it was but i never thought i'd be so close to those parts of it, and yet have the ability to deal with it all of everything. I can remember thinking how mom was so impressive handling all the business of a house and finances/cars/schedules of us kids/working/people's issues...even 5 years ago it seemed pretty daunting. I'm wading my way through alot of that now and its still whoa...