Last post only went up to 2005 I think, and there are more who I sometimes wonder about.

Corinne Tolan?  can't remember her last name.  from Millersville, tall blond curly hair, lifeguard.  I thought she drank a bit much and was too into the pot scene.  but she was cool to talk to, and hung out with chace, kirsten, and jesse.

jesse kohl - from millersville, dark hair, pale skin, in a death metal band, german.  really good guy i drank too much jager with.  was totally there for me after I broke up with my ex and introduced me to some cool people.  last i heard he married a girl from the phillipines.  think he graduated in 2007 and we had kept in touch for a little over myspace but he dropped off of AIM and i don't know about facebook.

chace burke - interesting character from millersville.  many a summer night in 2006 on his porch with a handle of rum!  great parties at that house, the man had a lot of ideas/business sense.  commuted to baltimore for work awhile back i think got an appartment down there and was working for a newspaper.  don't think we ever got on facebook, or it was on my old profile.  really curious what he got up to after all these years

kirsten - chace's gf, also speaks german.  quiet, but funny and smart. it's been a long time, we used to talk alot that summer...

hope green - gave me all the drama of shawn/carla/eric/amber/alex/leroy and town.  more than i ever wanted to know.  so glad she got away from that guy.  tried to help her out in life.  i think she drank too much and needs to grow up, not be so materialistic.  aubree siad since her baby was born she has.  but apparently while aubree and i weren't speaking, she was talking behind my back.  that always surprises me beucase there is never anything to say about me.  i own my shit, it's my prerogative to do what i want, if people want to say what isnt true then they are just sad; if people want to believe lies w/o going to me for the truth then that's thier choice.  i really don't care what someone who is going to think that actually believes.  I just wish her the best in life and hope she realizes how to not make the same mistakes/be a better person.

erin - used to work with her at jacks, very sweet girl, wonder what she's been up to...

james aka "snails" dish dude and cook at jacks.  had really interesting conversations with him, philosophy major.  thought he was pretty cute. blue eyes adn glasses

ted, alex seeker, john...just curious how life treated them...kitchen boys

angela - waitress at jacks, she was pretty cool.  sorority girl though

Dale the postmaster.  spent hours before classes talking about boot camp, the marines, horse racing, places in town, and so amusing that the appartment complex landladies thought i was having an affair with the guy...LOL

so that is the people from Lancaster/Millersville...there must be some from California even in the short time i've been there. 

attempting to reconnect with the old coworkers from Jack's, sent out friend requests...

UPDATE:  i"m doing ok, and decided to do some reflection at the end of the semester, it seems to be an appropriate time...

pole sinsations dance studio - I found a special coupon in my email for $50 in credits for 5 classes (an hour each) and signed up.  There are a variety of instructors for Pole Dance, yoga, Chair dance, Stiletto/floor work, and burlesque/cabaret routines.  it sounds like a lot of fun and a way to get me into cardio; i know i need to work on that more but find it to be something i always put off.  i've heard pole dancing/gymnastic moves really strengthen your core, and I want to have a strong torso.  Plus the whole possibility of learning how to dance and not looking like an awkward white girl thing...http://www.polesinsations.com/

gym - I joined LA fitness ($10 cheaper/month than 24-hour) switching over; I am happy beucase they have ALL the machines i need at one location, and I can go to ANY location/level of club.  I noticed that being stressed/tired/watching a lot of TV to escape into was deteriorating my frequency of gym visits during february to april.  Now that things are more settled and less stressed, I feel like I have more energy adn desire to go; having only a month before summer really hits is also a motivation!  I want abs again!  Eric saw the best of me in 2008, that was a pretty good year in certain months; I was going to the gym for a good 6 months about 3-4x a week and under 125 lbs.  I'm fine with the few extra i've gained, I can see it as muscle in my shoulders/back/quads, but the important thing is for me to keep working.  It really is a confidence booster to add more resistance, feel like I can go farther on teh elliptical, increase my stamina, and know that I am physically strong for my size/frame/hieght.  Then there is the whole biochemistry/psychological aspect; the serotonin, adrenaline, cortisol, etc.  I can think about how it makes me feel better, but also neurological defense against depression and anxiety; I need all the help I can get with that.

intellectual - newsweek, unicorn booty - these are two things I read on a regular basis, and usually get links from thier Facebook pages. Granted that it IS an election year, more issues are making the mainstream media, and I do care deeply about some.  Anything to do with religion/the gay community/military benefits and family care/education system will most likely get some comments and maybe even a full-blown rant/analysis.  I will be posting more often about my thoughts on certain issues; if you agree or not you are welcome to share your opinion backed up with facts about why you have whichever position you do.  But be prepared to have your opinion taken seriously and challenged (I play a great devil's advocate) if only to reaffirm it; at times logical reasoning and simple historical research can make someone question thier beliefs.  There is nothing wrong with changing your mind, or doing research of your own to confirm the truth of your sources; I highly encourage that!  I will take a look at disagreeing sides, check out sources, and then consider logical fallacies and the circumstances surrounding cited statistics.  For my own positions on issues I belive this to be quite necessary as well, of course.

music - rolling stone, artists newly introduced to, new albums - there are a few new albums coming out from artists of which I am already a huge fan, and I would also like to make sure I have the latest creations from the fairly large handful to which I listen on a regular basis.  Rolling Stone has had a few articles and blurbs on some new artists that I would like to check out, read lyrics from, and maybe download some songs.  I know a lot of people think the magazine itself has sold out, and that's ok, I just chose the subscription to be introduced to new artists and read reviews.  every so often I get bored with my collection, and recently I went through and made a list of every single artist whose work I am interested in acquiring MORE of, beucase of a few songs that I already have and am interested in what else they have produced with a similar sound.  the list is posted on facebook, but i will put it here so that i can bookmark it/add to memories

movies - there are a few coming out that I'd really like to see, adn some this spring that looked good.  i forget titles, but need to make a list and start downloading!  will post said list and then see if anyone would like to attend with me.  the last time i went to the movies was with a guy who i thought wanted to date me but then became a ghost.  oh well, but would like to see something cool with friends, and kidnap a special little girl, miss lilly boyd...surprisingly the kids' movies look good-the lorax and mirror, mirror.

school - next semester will be my last for french, and I'm hoping i can get a Certificate since i will have completed 16 credits (3 classes and one pronunciation/listening course).  I need to get serious about transferring-research what i need to fill in for requirements, and what I am ALLOWED to transfer in.  Already have a Gen. Ed. degree (Associate's) but since that is from PA, not sure if I will need to add any classes for admittance into UCSD being a California school.  Also need to register for Summer Semester, and talk to a counselor/go to an appointment.  I have my transcripts this time at least, and if I apply now, I hope I can get in for Spring 2013.  If I need to do more classes I might have to do another Palomar semester, but easing into a full load AND University classes is probably a smarter way.  even this being the first full school year there were still alot of rough days.  I cannot keep missing 30-40% of the class meetings; and it would be nice to get involved in some club/interest group.  It's only been 10 years since I've done the whole college application process...

Finances - I really need to make a budget and stick to it for June.  the past few months have been a bit crazy (dealing with roomates, taxes, cat, moving-deposits AND "damages") so it has not been easy to judge how much I really spend on certain things.  May will also be be a bit off beucase I will not be here for half the month (groceries, gym, gas, and electric affected) and I will want to spend a little while I am visiting.  This summer, however, I want to stabilize and put money into my investment accounts if I can (pays more interest than sitting in a bank).  I also want to pay off some chunks of credit card (to keep under the 1/3 balance-->no finance charge) and pay off a balance to avoid having to pay a promotional interest being held until the end of August.  When I do anohter trip in October, I will want to apply for another credit card so I can earn miles, and for a lower APR I need to increase my credit.  As of the beginning of April, my score was around 675, which is not that bad for my age.  It could be better though-finance charges suck, and I will be applying for a loan come September; the VA Mortgage for my condominium.  Need to do research on that over the summer, and I have heard that I can be approved without a job through the VA as a widow's benefit, but I"m sure a better credit rating would help lower my interest rate.  I also want to be able to purchase nice furniture and decorations; this will be a semi-permanent (at least 5 years) residence...

condo - I still have contact information for a real estate agent and his financial advisor, although I have not talked to them since March.  Busy with school and social crap lately, dealing with business issues, I have not been able to focus.  This summer is a perfect time to though.  I am giving myself 3 whole months to figure out where I want to buy, what my price range will be, and what I want in a place.  I know it is a huge thing and there will be alot of details, but I am prepared to attack this step in life and conquer this sense of inadequacy.  I will feel better knowing that I own something completely mine, large enough to accomodate anything I want, and that I will not have to deal with any management/renter issues again!  If i want to sell it once the market improves, I can do that in 5-10 years.  Who knows, i might move back east eventually, I can see being happy someplace a bit more liberal, like massachusetts or vermont.

cooking page - i don't care who says what about it, but I'm going to make a facebook page for my cooking, so that I can put up photos, recipes I've tweaked, and invitations to dinner.  it would be nice to have everything in one place, and notes for what wines i served with certain meals, what side dishes I made, salads, etc.  I seriously doubt people would be so pathetic as to join the page and then be a troll and be mean/obnoxious on it.  There will be a warning, that if you do it I will unfriend and block you; good riddance anyways.  I will invite anyoen who has had my dinner and/or punch!

My electricity was randomly turned off this morning, and technology hates me!

every time i try to save certain contacts in my phone, it randomly decides to forget they exist. important things, like the electric company, my veterinarian, and extra numbers for people. Also, it seem to have forgotten that i set a specific address book setting to NOT INCLUE PEOPLE W/O PHONE NUMBERS! this means freinds on facebook that I may have sent messages to using the MESSENGER application, but whose numbers that either I do not have access to on thier profile pages (and thus cannot use the join function) or do not put their numbers ON facebook and i STILL do not have them. If i need to message the person, I will use the MESSENGER, instead of trying to CALL/TEXT from my contact list to a number that I DO NOT HAVE!!!

I bought a power strip from Fry's a week ago so that i could plug in both my router and modem along with the labtop power cable and anything else that i needed in the living room (cell phone charger, camera charger-if i ever find it-etc.) When i attempted to consolidate my plugs, the damn thing can't even turn on! the switch only pushes down in the "off" position or "reset" and the light will not come on.

I cannot get the brush roll to function on my vaccuum cleaner, and it also sometiems smells like it's burning after only 15 minutes of use.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since i forgot to charge phone last night, I woke up and it was only at 40% battery. I discover that my electricity is off when i open the fridge and it's dark, with a bad fish smell (i had a filet leftover and was in since monday evenign after beign thawed). I see my bill is due today adn start freakin gout beucase I don't have the money for the bill plus the deposit and do NOT understand why they want ANOTHER deposit just beucase i had switched appartments adn opened the account at my old place. I still owe for the march bill which is split among roomates...a whole other rant. So beucase my phone has lost the # for the company, and there is no internet because my modem/router takes ELECTRICITY, I have to use phone internet to look up my account. Turns out i have not signed up for online account access OR mobile bill pay and need to put in the same information twice to do thsoe things. The internet drains battery on my phone rather quickly, and i barely have enough power to do this. then i call the company who has an automated "we randomly shut yours off, it should be back in an hour" message, along with a "press # to know more about random shut-offs" which only tells me that my service area has been affected. WELL DUH THATS WHY I AM CALLING TO FIND OUT WHY!>!>!>!

this seriously screwed up my plans to the day which included cooking breakfast (did not want to open/disturb fridge/let fish smell out), returning phone calls and emails (dead battery and no electric) doing homework online (no internet/computer battery is low), doing chores later in the afternoon (had to work on homework/ instead, and see above for vaccum malfunction) and being able to relax and watch a tv show before class (I was still working on chores and was not done). Tomorrow is going to be busy and I have a little bet of time after class/before going to a benefit karaoke thing my friend told me about for veterans. Friday I am spending most likely in orange county since olga will be here and enrique has meetings most of the day. Maybe saturday i'll be able to resume what i need to do...

I haven't seen my marine buddies in awhile and am hoping they can come out tomorrow night, will make a separate note and tag them.

Also of great annoyance this evening was my Logic professor, who told me "my biggest problem with you is hubris" and I replied, laughing, "oh, you mean there's more than one?" simply beucase he did not believe that I understood how to do a logical proof, as i dared do the explanation at the same time instead of doing it "his way" so that I did not "confuse people" by actually thinking twice as fast as anyone else. THere will be a logical argument complete with proof as an explanation for why I am indeed correct, which I will submit to him, after my final. I have never been kicked out of class for ANYTHING, and for exercising my intelligence would be the best reason I could think of wanting to be.

"Why is it all baristas must be cute, trendy young twenty-somethings? I want my coffee from a tattooed career Marine who grinds the beans between the palms of his granite-like hands and glares at the water until it perks out of bowel-quaking fear!" from the devil's panties webcomic. i"ve thought about working for starbucks...there's a help wanted sign for the E street cafe in Encinitas; I would take in my resume if it weren't so far to get to a few days a week. Plus mornings are not my thing.

in other news, i'm settled into my new place and content, love my cat and just got my internet hooked up. want to start watching a show called "Suburgatory" cuz there are only a few more episodes left of half my regular ones. going to post my list soon of "Artists by whom I am intrigued, and of whose work I wish to acquire more" open to suggestions from my friends who are into certain genres. Most is metal/industrial/techno or indie/folk, with some random contemporary thrown in.

It's only been a year...to the day that I moved out of Our place and into a shared appartment with a friend. I feel much more whole than I did back then; alone and empty, numbly deluding myself on auto-pilot and alternatively over-stimulating myself and becoming a hermit in my new home. Then the nightmares started, the confusion and anxiety attacking with the full force of post-traumatic stress attempting to frighten me out of denial.
I still have the nightmares occasionally, but they are not nearly as intensely crippling. Since the start of this new year 2012, I have made an effort to get out of my home and see people, interact with acquaintences in hopes of forming friendships, and preparing myself a few months in advance for this new step in recovery; I need this independence.
I have been on medication since the start of this past winter, and it has helped tremendously, but I am very excited for this spring to arrive; I have never felt relieved after emerging from these months--I have not only survived but for the first time in over a decade my desire to feel better has overshadowed the despair!
I am truly excited to thrive, to work on goals and have my very own sanctuary as a respite from the frustrating world. I can escape to my home, with comforting sights, smells, sounds, and reminders of what I love, where I can find myself, and who I am becoming...Learning to "be intrigued by, have pride in, motivate and encourage, and give credit to" myself is a daunting endeavor, but I think that is what I need the most right now. There is no one else who knows me as well as I do, and I simply cannot rely on void-filling characters when I feel exhausted with this task becuase then I fear complacency might affect my vision of what is possible.

I wanted this so bad....Meg the Wicked Gem it's so me! Madonna inspired vintage leather dress from the 80s, found at a shop on melrose ave. beverly hills,  for $325...

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Since I'm going to have internet from my phone instead of computer at home, trying out the LJ app.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

dream of highschool reunion, 10 years later in uniontown. most of dream about being with another guy-Zack, who was in his early 30's, dark short spiky hair, slightly tan, blue eyes, and very nice, protective. we were on a road trip out to his family, it was cold and ground snow-covered. wanted to put on another coat, needed a place to stop and came by a small red house, old lady lived there. front looked like a living room behind a hallway but once in the room the rest was a huge empty barn with a loft and a bridge across for the old lady to walk on. I was worried Zack would break it, she was nice though, something about 80 years old. we had to drive out 45 miles, and got back at night for the reunion, saw everyone dressed up. mostly randoms, people looked old and no one really remembered me. a two-day thing; after the mingling ballroom thing was done people went to hotels and back home. It was around church, and wave's garden feilds in the background. Large sandy/stony cliff top for looking out over to my place. people wanted to go down and look but then it was too steep and sliding to get back up. I got scared but somehow made it, i think zack pulled me up.

night before, I heard Eric's voice...he called me and I picked up very freaked out but trying not ot show it. it was only April, before hte June when the platoon would return. I was in a basement, friends party just hanging out. roomates were around but i didn't see them when i got the call. He sounded so calm, like everything was ok, and I said i was just hanging out with friends; can't remember the conversation much beucase I was so confused. I had th stomach butterflies of anxiety and started yelling "i can't do this, I don't know, I can't do it on my own right now, help" but no one came, the roomates didn't help me. I was sad and freaked out becuase I knew he wasn't supposed to be able to call me. it's like time had not caught up yet, that he would still be alive until june and then i'd be told he was gone for 6 months. He said something about seeing Bob soon, and I meant bob from shawn's band saying he was fairly young, in his 50s. No idea about that part but Eric sounded happy and just wanting to calm me down. very strange dream

had another strange dream last night, with my little sister and her boyfriend staying with me in an appartment, seemed like they were older. Ski resort right near us you could see from the window, i was very happy and saw people sledding also on grass hills which was strange. Nate (her bf) said 2 Marines stopped by and offered them free lift tickets so they were going; i assumed recruiters and felt skeptical/anxious about that. it was a weekend/few days and I had gone the day before, really enjoyed skiing.

a lot of driving my car in the dream, in a suburban area up some hills not knowing how to exit but figuring that I would find my way back to the freeway, internal compass. saw it and got on, then speeding for some reason. felt loos of control so 'got out' of the car and ran ahead with my laptop in front of me, there were people around and my car was behind me turning and twisting. I was afraid it would crash but my laptop sliding along in front of me still having the momentum was caught by a guy on the side of the road, and I thanked him. Looked back to see my car crash on top of another one like it ran on top and was not dented at all but just needed a crane to life the other vehicle off. Flashback to other car crash dreams within this one (I dont think i've ever had car crash dreams before, but in this dream i seemed to remember that i did) and an anxious sinking feeling. Very confused about where I was, vague images of an office and receptionist, some kind of medical.

Thinking about the dream after i woke up i am wondering if it has something to do with Eric; we had the car together and it's one of those last remaining "us" items because we had so few. most things were his or mine and the space we shared is long gone (old appartment). it has been months since he has showed up in my dreams, and I"ve been feeling the loss pretty intensely lately. I don't talk about it much, and I try to focus on what's going on in the present, I have tasks that are very important to do pertaining to life right now. I can be happy and enjoy the moments, be content even. But i still feel like I'm throwing myself into attempts to accomplish things as a form of distraction; I have not cried in awhile and yet I am always thinking of him in any spare moments, especially at night.

I love watching that show Bones becuase the characters remind me of him and I. Booth is an FBI agent who spent time in Iraq as a sniper, he doesnt take things too literally and is mostly quiet about his personal opinions; he simply cares for his partner and at one point tries to confess his love but retreats after rejection. Brennan is very logical and socially awkward, smart but oblivious to her effects on others; pure in intentions and amused by her own idiosyncrasies. As a dynamic they teach each other alot about how to handle the world, tiptoe around respective vulnerabilities, but have an established trust and privileged into speculations. I've dreamt about being her, working for her, and I know it's because i admire certain characteristics. I can't get enough Booth beucase I lost mine...

This weekend and the past few days I've been searching for closure, realizing that I am NOT ok with some things which are starting to stress me out, and also that I have arrived at peace for the first time in over 4 months. All unrelated individuals but I am so very content to be able to express this.

I've gone about attempting to find closure in dreams, and this time I'm following them to something in reality for once. I took the letter to my therapist and he said it sounds fine to send; it's non-threatening and purely inquisitive. still making a copy, and hoping that I can send it to where it will be recieved.

things will be different this year, becuase of the past fall i am going to be alot more strict with people and thier obligations to me. i'm tired of being nice, and I'm not paranoid. i am very respectful of other people's property and I expect the same courtesy. i need gas when i drive people to work, i need quiet at night when i'm trying to get sleep, and i cannot be hearing a lot of explosive noises before bed (IT GIVES ME NIGHTMARES). I am trying to reduce my anxiety as much as I can, but what's beyond my control is difficult and it makes me angry when people I live with could help that alot.

It is so rare to feel it this soon; but it is genuine. I am very happy for Luis, I want to get to know Milly more; I could use more friends. I see how his face lights up and how he smiles at her. I don't feel jealousy, or sadness, or anything else other than friendship. Freinds hug and spend time together and pick on each other; everything worked out fine. I told him awhile ago that i just needed time, that I WOULD be ok, but did not know how long it was going to take...I feel it is now.

I am doing well with getting out more and spending time with different people. being out of the appartment more is good, but i wish it felt more like coming home/being cleaner when i came back so t hat I can relax without feeling like I have to go to my room. maybe because I spent so much time in my own room as a teenager, that was my sanctuary, that I don't want to now? oh wait, I like the living room becuase it reminds me of when i used to feel like it was my safe space; alone in the bedroom was dangerous...

Listening to Manson tonight